Any teacher who has ever been accused of not caring about kids will be incensed at the accusation. But how can you really tell if a teacher truly does care?
A teacher who cares about kids will get to know the kids personally. The teacher will talk to kids about their weekend, their vacations, their siblings, their pets, their schoolwork in all classes, ask to see pictures, go to sporting events and academic contests, chaperone dances and field trips, and just sit and talk with the kids when given the opportunity. Likewise, a teacher who cares about kids will share the same details about his/her life. Obviously, this all needs to be done in an appropriate way and taking the kids’ ages into consideration. But the bottom line is that a teacher who cares about kids takes the time to know kids personally and lets the kids know him or her personally, too.
A teacher who cares about kids will take the time to understand how the kids in his or her class learn. This is done in so many ways – surveys, observations, discussions. A teacher who cares about kids wants to understand how the students learn so that he or she can be effective at his or her job.
A teacher who cares about kids will do his or her job well. In order to do the job well, that requires extra time and effort beyond the classroom in the form of course work, conferences, workshops, reading, webinars. A teacher who cares about kids will stay on top of what is happening n the world of education and consider how those events impact his or her students. Sometimes this requires a teacher to be out of his or her classroom. Please don’t ever assume that if a teacher is gone for a day or two that it means that teacher is blowing off his or her job. It is quite possible that the teacher has to be gone for a day in order to work on professional development. What happens when that teacher returns to the classroom the next day can be magical! The teacher is rejuvenated and inspired to try the new things he or she learned in the conference or workshop. This ultimately benefits the kids. Teachers will continue their learning because they care about kids’ learning.
A teacher who cares about kids doesn’t just do things out of the goodness of his or her heart. I know that sounds contrary to caring. But hear me out. Teaching is a job; it’s really more of a profession, a calling. Yes, teachers could do their job for free or for little pay, but what happens when teachers work that way? They become jaded and burned out. Then kids suffer. It’s not really greed that drives teachers to expect to be paid for their work. It’s actually for the benefit of the students. Teachers who work hard for their kids because they care about them should expect to be paid for their work. It inspires and ensures a level of dedication and professionalism in their work that ultimately benefits the students. When teachers are not treated like professionals, then they don’t have the expectation that they should act like professionals, so they end up being unprofessional. Being compensated for their work inspires teachers to continue doing their job well. Teachers who work beyond their pay (meaning they are underpaid, which is many teachers) do so willingly – to a point. There comes a point where a teacher just can’t sacrifice his or her sanity, health, happiness, or family any more than he or she already has. Please don’t interpret this as not caring about kids. It is really about valuing the profession so much that the teacher can’t give anymore without compromising the integrity of the job.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Girl Fights – Helicopter Parent vs. Helpful Parent
This post was originally written for the website Summit Series for Families.
A Google search of the phrase “helicopter parents” will lead you to Wikipedia, which defines helicopter parents as those who pay “…extremely close attention to his or her child’s experiences and problems, particularly at educational institutions.” You will even find the term “lawnmower parents”, who “…attempt to smooth down and mow down all obstacles…” their children encounter. What’s the difference between being a caring, concerned, and involved parent, and one who hovers and interferes? It’s a pretty thin line to tread. It is instinctual for a mom to want to protect her child, but when is it okay to do and how should it be done? If you decide to intervene in your daughter’s social problems, here are some suggestions that will make your involvement helpful instead of hurtful, thus putting you in the category of helicopter parent.
• DO be realistic. When there is a problem between two girls, rarely is one blameless and the other completely at fault. There is usually plenty of give and take going on. Ask plenty of questions of your daughter about how she reacted to nasty texts or comments. Ask to see the texts or her Facebook page. Get the facts you need to really determine how involved you need to be.
• DO plan what to say if you intend to confront another parent. It is wise to avoid confronting a child. It is too easy to misconstrue the intentions of an adult when dealing with a child. The adult WILL come off looking like a bully. Instead, confront a parent but ONLY when absolutely necessary! Plan what to say so that you don’t ramble. You will be better understood if you can be concise.
• DO bring evidence. If your daughter has received texts, emails, voice mails, Facebook comments, or Tweets that are problematic, bring them as proof that you are not making things up. Be careful not to take things out of context, though, to make them look like something they are not. Also be sure that you don’t accuse the other girl of something your own daughter has done. Truthfully, it doesn’t matter who started it. If they are both doing it, they are both at fault.
• DO have a goal in mind. If you are going to offer advice to your daughter or speak to a parent, start with the end in mind. What do you want to happen as a result? Do you want the problem to stop? Do you want the guilty party to be punished? Are you just trying to get even? If you’re honest with yourself, you might be surprised by your answer. But that answer will drive what you say and what you do.
• DON’T blindside anyone. The element of surprise will not work in your favor. If you feel the need to confront another parent on behalf of your child, showing up at the person’s house unannounced will only put that person on the defensive and jeopardize any chance of reconciliation. Call or email first and ask to talk. I have found that a very effective approach is to simply say, “I need your help.” It is friendly and implies that you don’t want to argue; rather, you’d like to work together.
• DON’T use the word “you” more than you use the word “I”. Using the word “you” will only come off as accusatory and hostile and make the other person extremely defensive.
• DON’T be vague about what you expect from your child to end the conflict. It is not good enough to simply say, “Just stay away from her,” or, “You just need to leave each other alone.” Instead, use very specific language: “Don’t talk to her when you see her in the hall at school. Delete her from your friends list on Facebook and block her. Don’t send her any more text messages. Don’t talk about her to anyone, not even your best friends. If someone asks what’s going on, simply tell him or her that you don’t want to talk about it.” These directives are clear and will make your daughter’s life easier in the long run because the expectations are so precise.
• DON’T involve anyone else. This can be a tough one for your daughter. Her friends will be eager to circle the wagons in defense of their friend. While the sentiment is touching, it will only escalate the problems and quickly spiral out of control. As a parent, you can only offer instructions and reprimands to your own child, and if another child is acting on behalf of your daughter, you have no control over those words or actions. This is why it is so important to be sure to tell your daughter, “Don’t talk to anyone about this issue.”
• DO contact the proper authorities. If your daughter is being called names, it might be a bullying situation and therefore proper to contact the dean or principal at your daughter’s school. If she is being threatened, then contacting the police is not out of line. But contacting the police because one girl called your daughter fat is way out of proportion. In the long run, over-reacting will only hurt your credibility and make it more difficult for you to report real issues to the people in charge when you need them.
As difficult as it may be to stand by and watch your daughter in the midst of conflict, you will do her more service by allowing her to problem solve on her own with a subtle guiding hand from you. If you step in and deal with the issue, she may learn a little about how to handle conflict from watching you, but there is a great risk that she will continue to come to you every time she needs a battle fought. In the long run, she will be weak and dependent when what you really want is a daughter is strong and independent.
Here are some resources for learning about helicopter parenting:
Wikipedia definition
Are You a Helicopter Parent? Quiz
Effects of Helicopter Parenting
A Google search of the phrase “helicopter parents” will lead you to Wikipedia, which defines helicopter parents as those who pay “…extremely close attention to his or her child’s experiences and problems, particularly at educational institutions.” You will even find the term “lawnmower parents”, who “…attempt to smooth down and mow down all obstacles…” their children encounter. What’s the difference between being a caring, concerned, and involved parent, and one who hovers and interferes? It’s a pretty thin line to tread. It is instinctual for a mom to want to protect her child, but when is it okay to do and how should it be done? If you decide to intervene in your daughter’s social problems, here are some suggestions that will make your involvement helpful instead of hurtful, thus putting you in the category of helicopter parent.
• DO be realistic. When there is a problem between two girls, rarely is one blameless and the other completely at fault. There is usually plenty of give and take going on. Ask plenty of questions of your daughter about how she reacted to nasty texts or comments. Ask to see the texts or her Facebook page. Get the facts you need to really determine how involved you need to be.
• DO plan what to say if you intend to confront another parent. It is wise to avoid confronting a child. It is too easy to misconstrue the intentions of an adult when dealing with a child. The adult WILL come off looking like a bully. Instead, confront a parent but ONLY when absolutely necessary! Plan what to say so that you don’t ramble. You will be better understood if you can be concise.
• DO bring evidence. If your daughter has received texts, emails, voice mails, Facebook comments, or Tweets that are problematic, bring them as proof that you are not making things up. Be careful not to take things out of context, though, to make them look like something they are not. Also be sure that you don’t accuse the other girl of something your own daughter has done. Truthfully, it doesn’t matter who started it. If they are both doing it, they are both at fault.
• DO have a goal in mind. If you are going to offer advice to your daughter or speak to a parent, start with the end in mind. What do you want to happen as a result? Do you want the problem to stop? Do you want the guilty party to be punished? Are you just trying to get even? If you’re honest with yourself, you might be surprised by your answer. But that answer will drive what you say and what you do.
• DON’T blindside anyone. The element of surprise will not work in your favor. If you feel the need to confront another parent on behalf of your child, showing up at the person’s house unannounced will only put that person on the defensive and jeopardize any chance of reconciliation. Call or email first and ask to talk. I have found that a very effective approach is to simply say, “I need your help.” It is friendly and implies that you don’t want to argue; rather, you’d like to work together.
• DON’T use the word “you” more than you use the word “I”. Using the word “you” will only come off as accusatory and hostile and make the other person extremely defensive.
• DON’T be vague about what you expect from your child to end the conflict. It is not good enough to simply say, “Just stay away from her,” or, “You just need to leave each other alone.” Instead, use very specific language: “Don’t talk to her when you see her in the hall at school. Delete her from your friends list on Facebook and block her. Don’t send her any more text messages. Don’t talk about her to anyone, not even your best friends. If someone asks what’s going on, simply tell him or her that you don’t want to talk about it.” These directives are clear and will make your daughter’s life easier in the long run because the expectations are so precise.
• DON’T involve anyone else. This can be a tough one for your daughter. Her friends will be eager to circle the wagons in defense of their friend. While the sentiment is touching, it will only escalate the problems and quickly spiral out of control. As a parent, you can only offer instructions and reprimands to your own child, and if another child is acting on behalf of your daughter, you have no control over those words or actions. This is why it is so important to be sure to tell your daughter, “Don’t talk to anyone about this issue.”
• DO contact the proper authorities. If your daughter is being called names, it might be a bullying situation and therefore proper to contact the dean or principal at your daughter’s school. If she is being threatened, then contacting the police is not out of line. But contacting the police because one girl called your daughter fat is way out of proportion. In the long run, over-reacting will only hurt your credibility and make it more difficult for you to report real issues to the people in charge when you need them.
As difficult as it may be to stand by and watch your daughter in the midst of conflict, you will do her more service by allowing her to problem solve on her own with a subtle guiding hand from you. If you step in and deal with the issue, she may learn a little about how to handle conflict from watching you, but there is a great risk that she will continue to come to you every time she needs a battle fought. In the long run, she will be weak and dependent when what you really want is a daughter is strong and independent.
Here are some resources for learning about helicopter parenting:
Wikipedia definition
Are You a Helicopter Parent? Quiz
Effects of Helicopter Parenting
Friday, November 4, 2011
Teens and Grief
This post was originally written for the website Summit Series for Families.
In the span of one week, here is what the children in my small town have had to cope with:
• A high school senior named Mitch had a kayaking accident on Lake Michigan. He was last seen by the Coast Guard when his kayak capsized in high waves and he slipped from his life jacket and under the water. Searchers still have not found him a week later.
• A junior high girl named Kelsey was struck by a truck while walking home with two of her classmates and seriously injured. She is currently recovering because of what can be described only as a miracle. Sadly, she was struck by a teenaged driver who was driving without a license.
• A high school senior named Allison passed away after experiencing previously undetected heart problems.
The small community where I live knows all of these kids and they are tied together in a criss-cross of friendships. Personally, I can tell you that my daughter knows all of the children mentioned above and it has been torturous watching her deal with these tragedies at the tender age of seventeen while trying to contain my own wellspring of emotion. However, it has not been lost on me how the teens in this community deal with their grief; it is like nothing I have ever seen, and I’m not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing.
The first thing I observed, and it is actually the underpinning of all that these kids have done to deal with their grief, is the use of social networking as a coping and communication mechanism. In all three tragedies, the news was spread and received via Twitter and Facebook. Never once did my daughter receive a phone call about what had happened to her peers. All information was disseminated via Twitter; in fact, the kids developed their own hash tags to express their feelings and make it easy to share information (#prayforfajman, #prayforlittle, and #prayforallison). They clearly found comfort in expressing themselves via this format and asking the questions they know no one can answer – why is this happening? how can I go on? what can we do for each other to help each other feel better? Amazingly, all the kids were careful to put information out that was as close to verified as possible. No one wanted to be accused of starting rumors. This was a surprise to me; I figured that rumors would run rampant. Apparently when they are all talking at once via Twitter instead of in person or over the phone, the information presents itself much more clearly, something I never would have thought possible.
The next thing I noticed was how quickly the kids mobilized themselves to do things in honor of their classmates. Mitch had his kayaking accident on a Saturday; Kelsey had her car accident on Sunday. On Sunday night, the high school students attended a candlelight vigil at their school for Mitch. On Monday, the kids at both schools were wearing particular colors to honor their friends, one missing, one seriously hurt. The wearing of different colors for Mitch and Kelsey continued all week. All the information for these symbolic salutes was shared through Twitter and groups on Facebook. These tributes were an amazing unifying force; it didn’t matter if you knew Mitch or Kelsey personally; it didn’t matter if you were friends with Mitch or Kelsey. All the kids banded together simply because he and she were one of their own.
In a way, I have been grateful for this support system simply because I have been trying to deal with my own emotions through these ordeals. Empathy is powerful stuff, and I have been full of it. I can’t seem to keep my mind from imagining what the parents of these teens must be feeling and it is impacting me deeply. And I have the luxury of knowing my feelings are imagined; the parents I am empathizing with don’t have that luxury. Their emotions are horribly real and so much more intense than mine, and their emotions won’t go away for a long, long time, if ever. I have tried so hard to be strong for my own child for those moments when she needs me. They have not been frequent, though, which I partially expected. I know that at the age of seventeen, she prefers the company of her peers over her parents, but I wasn’t prepared for her to have such a large support system in place through social networking.
One thing I am watching for, though, is the potential for that system not to serve her needs like she wants. While I think it is amazing the way the kids have used social networking to bond and communicate, I fear there may come a day when my daughter and many of these other kids are going to need some guidance and comfort from someone personally. I fear the emotions will become so overwhelming one day that the teens won’t know where to turn for help – the counselors at the school will be gone, the memorial services will be over, the hash tags will not be trending anymore, the posts to the Facebook groups will slow down, but moments will arise where the feelings of sadness and grief break through. Who will help the kids when this happens? I believe I need to let my child use the systems set in place now, but I will keep my guard up for a while, just in case she suddenly has to face reality without the network. At the very least, I am sure it will be needed come May when the class of 2012 graduates without Allison and without Mitch.
If you are interested in reading more about these stories, here are some links:
Coast Guard briefing about Mitch’s kayaking accident
Chicago Tribune update on the search for Mitch
The Patch article about Kelsey’s accident
Student support for Kelsey
Facebook page for Mitch
Facebook page for Allison
Herald News story about Allison
In the span of one week, here is what the children in my small town have had to cope with:
• A high school senior named Mitch had a kayaking accident on Lake Michigan. He was last seen by the Coast Guard when his kayak capsized in high waves and he slipped from his life jacket and under the water. Searchers still have not found him a week later.
• A junior high girl named Kelsey was struck by a truck while walking home with two of her classmates and seriously injured. She is currently recovering because of what can be described only as a miracle. Sadly, she was struck by a teenaged driver who was driving without a license.
• A high school senior named Allison passed away after experiencing previously undetected heart problems.
The small community where I live knows all of these kids and they are tied together in a criss-cross of friendships. Personally, I can tell you that my daughter knows all of the children mentioned above and it has been torturous watching her deal with these tragedies at the tender age of seventeen while trying to contain my own wellspring of emotion. However, it has not been lost on me how the teens in this community deal with their grief; it is like nothing I have ever seen, and I’m not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing.
The first thing I observed, and it is actually the underpinning of all that these kids have done to deal with their grief, is the use of social networking as a coping and communication mechanism. In all three tragedies, the news was spread and received via Twitter and Facebook. Never once did my daughter receive a phone call about what had happened to her peers. All information was disseminated via Twitter; in fact, the kids developed their own hash tags to express their feelings and make it easy to share information (#prayforfajman, #prayforlittle, and #prayforallison). They clearly found comfort in expressing themselves via this format and asking the questions they know no one can answer – why is this happening? how can I go on? what can we do for each other to help each other feel better? Amazingly, all the kids were careful to put information out that was as close to verified as possible. No one wanted to be accused of starting rumors. This was a surprise to me; I figured that rumors would run rampant. Apparently when they are all talking at once via Twitter instead of in person or over the phone, the information presents itself much more clearly, something I never would have thought possible.
The next thing I noticed was how quickly the kids mobilized themselves to do things in honor of their classmates. Mitch had his kayaking accident on a Saturday; Kelsey had her car accident on Sunday. On Sunday night, the high school students attended a candlelight vigil at their school for Mitch. On Monday, the kids at both schools were wearing particular colors to honor their friends, one missing, one seriously hurt. The wearing of different colors for Mitch and Kelsey continued all week. All the information for these symbolic salutes was shared through Twitter and groups on Facebook. These tributes were an amazing unifying force; it didn’t matter if you knew Mitch or Kelsey personally; it didn’t matter if you were friends with Mitch or Kelsey. All the kids banded together simply because he and she were one of their own.
In a way, I have been grateful for this support system simply because I have been trying to deal with my own emotions through these ordeals. Empathy is powerful stuff, and I have been full of it. I can’t seem to keep my mind from imagining what the parents of these teens must be feeling and it is impacting me deeply. And I have the luxury of knowing my feelings are imagined; the parents I am empathizing with don’t have that luxury. Their emotions are horribly real and so much more intense than mine, and their emotions won’t go away for a long, long time, if ever. I have tried so hard to be strong for my own child for those moments when she needs me. They have not been frequent, though, which I partially expected. I know that at the age of seventeen, she prefers the company of her peers over her parents, but I wasn’t prepared for her to have such a large support system in place through social networking.
One thing I am watching for, though, is the potential for that system not to serve her needs like she wants. While I think it is amazing the way the kids have used social networking to bond and communicate, I fear there may come a day when my daughter and many of these other kids are going to need some guidance and comfort from someone personally. I fear the emotions will become so overwhelming one day that the teens won’t know where to turn for help – the counselors at the school will be gone, the memorial services will be over, the hash tags will not be trending anymore, the posts to the Facebook groups will slow down, but moments will arise where the feelings of sadness and grief break through. Who will help the kids when this happens? I believe I need to let my child use the systems set in place now, but I will keep my guard up for a while, just in case she suddenly has to face reality without the network. At the very least, I am sure it will be needed come May when the class of 2012 graduates without Allison and without Mitch.
If you are interested in reading more about these stories, here are some links:
Coast Guard briefing about Mitch’s kayaking accident
Chicago Tribune update on the search for Mitch
The Patch article about Kelsey’s accident
Student support for Kelsey
Facebook page for Mitch
Facebook page for Allison
Herald News story about Allison
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Understanding the Role of the Bystander in Bullying Situations
This post was originally written for the website Summit Series for Families.
So many anti-bullying programs focus on getting bullies to stop their abusive behavior or empowering victims. Both are noble and worthwhile endeavors, but more and more researchers are starting to acknowledge the huge role that bystanders play in any bullying situation. Bystanders are important, according an article on the website GreatSchools.org, because bullying often takes place in front of peers, providing the audience the bully craves, but rarely happens in front of adults. Most bystanders want to stop the bullying but they don’t know how, or they are afraid. According to Ken Rigby, an expert in bullying, “Children on the whole feel bullying is wrong and unfair, and most want to intervene….”
According to an article on EyesonBullying.org, there are hurtful bystanders and helpful bystanders. Hurtful bystanders might
• instigate the bullying;
• encourage the bullying;
• join the bullying; or
• passively accept the bullying by watching it and doing nothing.
Helpful bystanders, on the other hand, might
• directly intervene; or
• get help.
Bystanders have a number of reasons for why they don’t get involved, including
• thinking the bullying is none of their business;
• fear of becoming a victim as well;
• feeling powerless;
• feeling like the victim deserves it or brought it upon him or herself; or
• they simply don’t know what to do.
What can be done to empower kids to become helpful bystanders? Rigby has a few suggestions. One thing he says is important is to help kids see that their peers think bullying is wrong, too. Once they realize that they aren’t alone in feeling this way, they might feel like they can band together to intervene. Rigby also advises teaching kids that intervening can make a real difference. There is at least a 50% chance the bullying will end if bystanders try to stop it. Once the bully realizes his/her audience disapproves, he/she is inclined to stop, much like an audience booing a performer offstage. Next, Rigby stresses the importance of general anti-bullying education. Without anything in place, bystanders might feel more compelled to encourage the bullying rather than stop it.
Author and counselor Stan Davis suggests bystanders tell an adult when they see bullying, even if it is something general like, “Please watch the locker room at third period. There are bad things going on there at that time….” Davis also says we need to eradicate the idea that telling an adult is tattling. He says, “It’s not tattling, it’s being a witness to a crime.” Another idea from Davis is to offer the victim a means of escape by saying something like, “Mr. Smith needs to see you right now.” Finally, he suggests offering support to the victim by sitting next to him/her in class, at lunch, or on the bus. Even a phone call to the victim at home saying, “…I saw what happened and I didn’t know what to do, but I don’t think you deserved it,” could be enough to show the victim that someone sees what is happening and he/she is not all alone. One caveat: Stan Davis does not advocate intervening physically. In situations where the bullying is getting physical, he says it is necessary to get an adult to intervene.
Bystanders who don’t get involved can end up being victimized themselves in ways they didn’t realize. They may feel pressure to join in bullying or anxious about talking to someone who is a victim of bullying. In addition, they might become overcome with guilt for staying out of the situation. It is imperative to create a culture that does not tolerate bullying. It is the largest group, the bystanders, who have the power to influence the culture. Once bullies realize their behavior is not socially acceptable, it will wane and hopefully come to an end altogether.
So many anti-bullying programs focus on getting bullies to stop their abusive behavior or empowering victims. Both are noble and worthwhile endeavors, but more and more researchers are starting to acknowledge the huge role that bystanders play in any bullying situation. Bystanders are important, according an article on the website GreatSchools.org, because bullying often takes place in front of peers, providing the audience the bully craves, but rarely happens in front of adults. Most bystanders want to stop the bullying but they don’t know how, or they are afraid. According to Ken Rigby, an expert in bullying, “Children on the whole feel bullying is wrong and unfair, and most want to intervene….”
According to an article on EyesonBullying.org, there are hurtful bystanders and helpful bystanders. Hurtful bystanders might
• instigate the bullying;
• encourage the bullying;
• join the bullying; or
• passively accept the bullying by watching it and doing nothing.
Helpful bystanders, on the other hand, might
• directly intervene; or
• get help.
Bystanders have a number of reasons for why they don’t get involved, including
• thinking the bullying is none of their business;
• fear of becoming a victim as well;
• feeling powerless;
• feeling like the victim deserves it or brought it upon him or herself; or
• they simply don’t know what to do.
What can be done to empower kids to become helpful bystanders? Rigby has a few suggestions. One thing he says is important is to help kids see that their peers think bullying is wrong, too. Once they realize that they aren’t alone in feeling this way, they might feel like they can band together to intervene. Rigby also advises teaching kids that intervening can make a real difference. There is at least a 50% chance the bullying will end if bystanders try to stop it. Once the bully realizes his/her audience disapproves, he/she is inclined to stop, much like an audience booing a performer offstage. Next, Rigby stresses the importance of general anti-bullying education. Without anything in place, bystanders might feel more compelled to encourage the bullying rather than stop it.
Author and counselor Stan Davis suggests bystanders tell an adult when they see bullying, even if it is something general like, “Please watch the locker room at third period. There are bad things going on there at that time….” Davis also says we need to eradicate the idea that telling an adult is tattling. He says, “It’s not tattling, it’s being a witness to a crime.” Another idea from Davis is to offer the victim a means of escape by saying something like, “Mr. Smith needs to see you right now.” Finally, he suggests offering support to the victim by sitting next to him/her in class, at lunch, or on the bus. Even a phone call to the victim at home saying, “…I saw what happened and I didn’t know what to do, but I don’t think you deserved it,” could be enough to show the victim that someone sees what is happening and he/she is not all alone. One caveat: Stan Davis does not advocate intervening physically. In situations where the bullying is getting physical, he says it is necessary to get an adult to intervene.
Bystanders who don’t get involved can end up being victimized themselves in ways they didn’t realize. They may feel pressure to join in bullying or anxious about talking to someone who is a victim of bullying. In addition, they might become overcome with guilt for staying out of the situation. It is imperative to create a culture that does not tolerate bullying. It is the largest group, the bystanders, who have the power to influence the culture. Once bullies realize their behavior is not socially acceptable, it will wane and hopefully come to an end altogether.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Standardized Test Scores: Take With a Grain of Salt
This post was originally written for the website Summit Series for Families.
Another school year is on the horizon, and with the start of a new year comes another round of standardized testing for our students. As a teacher and a parent of a college-bound student, I am all-too-well aware of this. There is so much importance attached to students doing well on standardized tests – for their state, for their school, for their teachers, for their futures, for themselves – that it seems inevitable for angst to follow. I caution all parents and their children to take this high-stakes testing seriously but also take the results with a grain of salt.
Education expert Alfie Kohn wrote extensively about the pitfalls of standardized testing in 2000, and more than a decade later, he still has many valid points. In this article, he makes some important points to consider, including
• Standardized test scores often measure superficial thinking. It is difficult to measure higher-order thinking skills on a multiple-choice test scored by a machine.
• Many experts disapprove of giving standardized tests to children younger than 8 or 9 years old. There is such a wild variance in children’s learning at young ages.
• Many experts disapprove of basing an important decision (like promotion to the next grade level, graduation, or college admission) on the results of a single test. This is a pretty small data set to use for making such impactful decisions about a child’s future.
Leigh Pretnar Cousins writes about the impact that test scores can have on a child’s self-esteem. The scores, whether good or bad, are important to the kids, even if they say they aren’t. Trust me, the kids are being told directly and/or indirectly that they are important. Kids will wonder if they are smart based on their test scores and the scores of their peers. Please don’t be fooled into thinking the kids won’t compare scores. They will. The kids with good scores will share their results; the rest of the kids will silently compare themselves to those kids. I see it all the time. Schools and states use the kids’ test data to compare themselves nationally and internationally. Even though it is not one particular child’s results being shared individually, the kids know their score is part of the larger scope.
It is easy to find all sorts of information about the problems and issues surrounding standardized tests – how they are created, how they are administered, and how the test scores are used. The website Fair Test: The National Center for Fair and Open Testing has devoted itself to these issues. This is a hot topic in education right now; leaders in education like Arne Duncan, Diane Ravitch, Michelle Rhee, the teachers’ unions, and The Gates Foundation all have opinions on how high-stakes test scores should – or should not – be used.
So, here is some advice from an educator/parent to all the parents and kids. This is the same information I tell my students, the parents of my students, and my own child.
• A child is not defined by test scores. No matter what anyone says, a child is always more than a number, a percentile ranking, or a bar on a graph.
• A test score shows how a child did on one particular test on one particular day.
• A test does not measure intelligence; it measures how well the child was able to navigate this kind of test format and use information he was able to recall at that time.
• Many circumstances impact a child’s test scores – the format of the test, the prior knowledge the child has, how hungry the child feels, how tired the child feels, the temperature of the room, the comfort of the chair he is sitting in, the noises in the room or outside the room. The list goes on and on. If one day a child is taking a test on a full stomach in a comfortable chair in a comfortable room, it stands to reason that score will be better than the one coming from the test taken on the day the child came down with strep, skipped breakfast, and shivered in a cold room.
• Students with text anxiety or learning disabilities are rarely going to get anything that could be even close to a score that is considered valid.
• Test formats impact the scores, too. They may all be multiple choice, but factors like the interest level of the reading material on the test, the size of the bubbles to fill in, the number of questions on the test, the use of color or pictures (or lack of), and the length of the test all impact a child’s motivation and effort and therefore the end result.
Please tell your child to always try his best on a standardized test, but explain that good or bad, that one test score doesn’t mean much in terms of the kind of person he or she is.
Another school year is on the horizon, and with the start of a new year comes another round of standardized testing for our students. As a teacher and a parent of a college-bound student, I am all-too-well aware of this. There is so much importance attached to students doing well on standardized tests – for their state, for their school, for their teachers, for their futures, for themselves – that it seems inevitable for angst to follow. I caution all parents and their children to take this high-stakes testing seriously but also take the results with a grain of salt.
Education expert Alfie Kohn wrote extensively about the pitfalls of standardized testing in 2000, and more than a decade later, he still has many valid points. In this article, he makes some important points to consider, including
• Standardized test scores often measure superficial thinking. It is difficult to measure higher-order thinking skills on a multiple-choice test scored by a machine.
• Many experts disapprove of giving standardized tests to children younger than 8 or 9 years old. There is such a wild variance in children’s learning at young ages.
• Many experts disapprove of basing an important decision (like promotion to the next grade level, graduation, or college admission) on the results of a single test. This is a pretty small data set to use for making such impactful decisions about a child’s future.
Leigh Pretnar Cousins writes about the impact that test scores can have on a child’s self-esteem. The scores, whether good or bad, are important to the kids, even if they say they aren’t. Trust me, the kids are being told directly and/or indirectly that they are important. Kids will wonder if they are smart based on their test scores and the scores of their peers. Please don’t be fooled into thinking the kids won’t compare scores. They will. The kids with good scores will share their results; the rest of the kids will silently compare themselves to those kids. I see it all the time. Schools and states use the kids’ test data to compare themselves nationally and internationally. Even though it is not one particular child’s results being shared individually, the kids know their score is part of the larger scope.
It is easy to find all sorts of information about the problems and issues surrounding standardized tests – how they are created, how they are administered, and how the test scores are used. The website Fair Test: The National Center for Fair and Open Testing has devoted itself to these issues. This is a hot topic in education right now; leaders in education like Arne Duncan, Diane Ravitch, Michelle Rhee, the teachers’ unions, and The Gates Foundation all have opinions on how high-stakes test scores should – or should not – be used.
So, here is some advice from an educator/parent to all the parents and kids. This is the same information I tell my students, the parents of my students, and my own child.
• A child is not defined by test scores. No matter what anyone says, a child is always more than a number, a percentile ranking, or a bar on a graph.
• A test score shows how a child did on one particular test on one particular day.
• A test does not measure intelligence; it measures how well the child was able to navigate this kind of test format and use information he was able to recall at that time.
• Many circumstances impact a child’s test scores – the format of the test, the prior knowledge the child has, how hungry the child feels, how tired the child feels, the temperature of the room, the comfort of the chair he is sitting in, the noises in the room or outside the room. The list goes on and on. If one day a child is taking a test on a full stomach in a comfortable chair in a comfortable room, it stands to reason that score will be better than the one coming from the test taken on the day the child came down with strep, skipped breakfast, and shivered in a cold room.
• Students with text anxiety or learning disabilities are rarely going to get anything that could be even close to a score that is considered valid.
• Test formats impact the scores, too. They may all be multiple choice, but factors like the interest level of the reading material on the test, the size of the bubbles to fill in, the number of questions on the test, the use of color or pictures (or lack of), and the length of the test all impact a child’s motivation and effort and therefore the end result.
Please tell your child to always try his best on a standardized test, but explain that good or bad, that one test score doesn’t mean much in terms of the kind of person he or she is.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Five Words to Call Out a Bully
This post was originally written for the website Summit Series for Families.
Recently, actress Jennifer Aniston had the chance opportunity and the courage to stand up to a bully. It may be hard for anyone to believe that Aniston could be the victim of bullying considering her stunning good looks, international fame, and resulting wealth, but she was often on the receiving end of nasty nicknames and comments slung at her by celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton. She describes how she accidentally bumped into him in a parking garage one evening and felt compelled to ask him one question comprised of five words. Those five words carried quite a bit of power, enough to make someone like Perez Hilton rethink his behavior. She asked him, “Why are you so mean?”
Perez Hilton spoke with talk show host Ellen Degneres about being called out for being a bully. Interestingly enough, Hilton says he doesn’t want to be perceived as a bully, and it was “…a big wakeup call that so many people perceived me that way.” He says he felt justified in his behavior because it wasn’t the “real him” doing the name-calling; it was a character. Degeneres points out to him that, “Kids look at [his bullying] and go, ‘Well, adults think it’s funny to make fun of other people; why can’t we make fun of other people?’”
There is so much to be learned from this situation. One is for adults to realize that kids do pay attention to what they do and how they treat other people. Whether or not someone is famous, whether or not someone considers him or herself a role model, kids learn social behavior by watching adults.
Another thing that is interesting to note is the rare glimpse into the way a bully’s mind works. Hilton himself said he found ways to justify his name-calling, and he never realized anyone actually thought of him as a bully. Parents, teachers, and even kids themselves can make good use out of this insight. Bullies may know on the surface that what they are doing is wrong, but if they can create a justification for it, then they are able to perceive their behavior as acceptable. They don’t think they are being bullies, either, because they have used pretzel logic to make their behavior feel okay.
Finally, I think Aniston has provided a great way to call a bully out by asking the simple question she posed to Perez Hilton. Asking, “Why are you so mean?” is a great way to be assertive (as opposed to aggressive, which is often met with further aggression). The question doesn’t draw attention to the victim directly, and it shows the bully that his or her behavior has been noticed and asks him or her to explain his or her actions. This question, delivered in a direct tone of voice, must be quite disarming to a bully. It’s possible that the bully will retort with some sort of snide answer, but hopefully it will be enough to give the bully pause at some point to reflect on his or her behavior.
This is a question that either a victim or a bystander can use to address a bully. This question subtly sends the message, “I know what you are doing. It’s easy to label. I’m calling you out on it. I won’t put up with it.”
This Hollywood story has a relatively happy ending. Perez Hilton has acknowledged his nasty behavior and vowed to improve, which he has done pretty effectively. Yes, he still likes to comment on juicy celebrity stories, but the tone of his blog has changed noticeably. It has been a long time since he has been truly insulting; he has managed to create a way to keep up the gossip without being quite so destructive. Bullies can change – all it takes is one good jolt to wake them up to what they are doing. Jennifer Aniston, by standing up for herself, gave all our kids one more tool to use to bring bullies down.
Recently, actress Jennifer Aniston had the chance opportunity and the courage to stand up to a bully. It may be hard for anyone to believe that Aniston could be the victim of bullying considering her stunning good looks, international fame, and resulting wealth, but she was often on the receiving end of nasty nicknames and comments slung at her by celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton. She describes how she accidentally bumped into him in a parking garage one evening and felt compelled to ask him one question comprised of five words. Those five words carried quite a bit of power, enough to make someone like Perez Hilton rethink his behavior. She asked him, “Why are you so mean?”
Perez Hilton spoke with talk show host Ellen Degneres about being called out for being a bully. Interestingly enough, Hilton says he doesn’t want to be perceived as a bully, and it was “…a big wakeup call that so many people perceived me that way.” He says he felt justified in his behavior because it wasn’t the “real him” doing the name-calling; it was a character. Degeneres points out to him that, “Kids look at [his bullying] and go, ‘Well, adults think it’s funny to make fun of other people; why can’t we make fun of other people?’”
There is so much to be learned from this situation. One is for adults to realize that kids do pay attention to what they do and how they treat other people. Whether or not someone is famous, whether or not someone considers him or herself a role model, kids learn social behavior by watching adults.
Another thing that is interesting to note is the rare glimpse into the way a bully’s mind works. Hilton himself said he found ways to justify his name-calling, and he never realized anyone actually thought of him as a bully. Parents, teachers, and even kids themselves can make good use out of this insight. Bullies may know on the surface that what they are doing is wrong, but if they can create a justification for it, then they are able to perceive their behavior as acceptable. They don’t think they are being bullies, either, because they have used pretzel logic to make their behavior feel okay.
Finally, I think Aniston has provided a great way to call a bully out by asking the simple question she posed to Perez Hilton. Asking, “Why are you so mean?” is a great way to be assertive (as opposed to aggressive, which is often met with further aggression). The question doesn’t draw attention to the victim directly, and it shows the bully that his or her behavior has been noticed and asks him or her to explain his or her actions. This question, delivered in a direct tone of voice, must be quite disarming to a bully. It’s possible that the bully will retort with some sort of snide answer, but hopefully it will be enough to give the bully pause at some point to reflect on his or her behavior.
This is a question that either a victim or a bystander can use to address a bully. This question subtly sends the message, “I know what you are doing. It’s easy to label. I’m calling you out on it. I won’t put up with it.”
This Hollywood story has a relatively happy ending. Perez Hilton has acknowledged his nasty behavior and vowed to improve, which he has done pretty effectively. Yes, he still likes to comment on juicy celebrity stories, but the tone of his blog has changed noticeably. It has been a long time since he has been truly insulting; he has managed to create a way to keep up the gossip without being quite so destructive. Bullies can change – all it takes is one good jolt to wake them up to what they are doing. Jennifer Aniston, by standing up for herself, gave all our kids one more tool to use to bring bullies down.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
No Laughing Matter
This post was originally written for the website Summit Series for Families.
Yesterday morning, I checked Facebook and noticed that one person I am friends with had made many, many posts on another friend’s page. I’m talking 50 or 60 posts. I cringed because I knew what this meant: I was eventually going to see a comment something akin to, “Thanks for raping my Facebook wall!” Sadly, I wasn’t disappointed; that comment did appear once the posts were discovered. This is not the first time I have seen, in particular, high school and college students throw around the word “rape” in such a casual way. I find it incredibly disturbing. Even more disturbing is that every time I see it on Facebook, it is almost always said by a female. When did this word become socially acceptable to use in such a flippant way? What is going to happen if it continues to be used to describe unfortunate but meaningless situations like having too many posts on your Facebook wall?
There is actually a new term for what happens when someone’s Facebook page is left open and “hacked” by someone else or the Facebook page is hit with hundreds of posts; it’s called “frape”, a combination of the words “Facebook” and “rape” (read an article about the effects of “frape” on boys here, and see the Urban Dictionary definitions offered here, but reader beware – at Urban Dictionary, you will encounter a deluge of obscene language, but realize this is “the site” kids use to pump up their slang).
Rape is no laughing matter. It’s nothing to be taken lightly. It’s not something to make a joke out of. It should never be treated insensitively. The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network has compiled some research findings and statistics that have frighteningly real implications for our children, including
• 44% of rape and sexual assault victims are under the age of 30.
• 29% of rape and sexual assault victims are between the ages of 12 – 17.
• Girls ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault.
• Victims of sexual assault are 13 times more likely to abuse alcohol and 26 times more likely to abuse drugs.
• About 2/3 of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows.
• 60% of rapes and sexual assaults are never reported to the police.
There is an immense amount of education that needs to be done in order to prevent our daughters from becoming victims of this heinous crime. One of those pieces of education needs to be teaching our daughters AND sons that there is nothing funny, silly, or casual about rape, and that using the word in a joking way diminishes the impact of the word and therefore the act itself and makes it sound socially acceptable. Which is not acceptable at all.
Yesterday morning, I checked Facebook and noticed that one person I am friends with had made many, many posts on another friend’s page. I’m talking 50 or 60 posts. I cringed because I knew what this meant: I was eventually going to see a comment something akin to, “Thanks for raping my Facebook wall!” Sadly, I wasn’t disappointed; that comment did appear once the posts were discovered. This is not the first time I have seen, in particular, high school and college students throw around the word “rape” in such a casual way. I find it incredibly disturbing. Even more disturbing is that every time I see it on Facebook, it is almost always said by a female. When did this word become socially acceptable to use in such a flippant way? What is going to happen if it continues to be used to describe unfortunate but meaningless situations like having too many posts on your Facebook wall?
There is actually a new term for what happens when someone’s Facebook page is left open and “hacked” by someone else or the Facebook page is hit with hundreds of posts; it’s called “frape”, a combination of the words “Facebook” and “rape” (read an article about the effects of “frape” on boys here, and see the Urban Dictionary definitions offered here, but reader beware – at Urban Dictionary, you will encounter a deluge of obscene language, but realize this is “the site” kids use to pump up their slang).
Rape is no laughing matter. It’s nothing to be taken lightly. It’s not something to make a joke out of. It should never be treated insensitively. The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network has compiled some research findings and statistics that have frighteningly real implications for our children, including
• 44% of rape and sexual assault victims are under the age of 30.
• 29% of rape and sexual assault victims are between the ages of 12 – 17.
• Girls ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault.
• Victims of sexual assault are 13 times more likely to abuse alcohol and 26 times more likely to abuse drugs.
• About 2/3 of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows.
• 60% of rapes and sexual assaults are never reported to the police.
There is an immense amount of education that needs to be done in order to prevent our daughters from becoming victims of this heinous crime. One of those pieces of education needs to be teaching our daughters AND sons that there is nothing funny, silly, or casual about rape, and that using the word in a joking way diminishes the impact of the word and therefore the act itself and makes it sound socially acceptable. Which is not acceptable at all.
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