This post was originally written for the website Summit Series for Families.
Recently, actress Jennifer Aniston had the chance opportunity and the courage to stand up to a bully. It may be hard for anyone to believe that Aniston could be the victim of bullying considering her stunning good looks, international fame, and resulting wealth, but she was often on the receiving end of nasty nicknames and comments slung at her by celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton. She describes how she accidentally bumped into him in a parking garage one evening and felt compelled to ask him one question comprised of five words. Those five words carried quite a bit of power, enough to make someone like Perez Hilton rethink his behavior. She asked him, “Why are you so mean?”
Perez Hilton spoke with talk show host Ellen Degneres about being called out for being a bully. Interestingly enough, Hilton says he doesn’t want to be perceived as a bully, and it was “…a big wakeup call that so many people perceived me that way.” He says he felt justified in his behavior because it wasn’t the “real him” doing the name-calling; it was a character. Degeneres points out to him that, “Kids look at [his bullying] and go, ‘Well, adults think it’s funny to make fun of other people; why can’t we make fun of other people?’”
There is so much to be learned from this situation. One is for adults to realize that kids do pay attention to what they do and how they treat other people. Whether or not someone is famous, whether or not someone considers him or herself a role model, kids learn social behavior by watching adults.
Another thing that is interesting to note is the rare glimpse into the way a bully’s mind works. Hilton himself said he found ways to justify his name-calling, and he never realized anyone actually thought of him as a bully. Parents, teachers, and even kids themselves can make good use out of this insight. Bullies may know on the surface that what they are doing is wrong, but if they can create a justification for it, then they are able to perceive their behavior as acceptable. They don’t think they are being bullies, either, because they have used pretzel logic to make their behavior feel okay.
Finally, I think Aniston has provided a great way to call a bully out by asking the simple question she posed to Perez Hilton. Asking, “Why are you so mean?” is a great way to be assertive (as opposed to aggressive, which is often met with further aggression). The question doesn’t draw attention to the victim directly, and it shows the bully that his or her behavior has been noticed and asks him or her to explain his or her actions. This question, delivered in a direct tone of voice, must be quite disarming to a bully. It’s possible that the bully will retort with some sort of snide answer, but hopefully it will be enough to give the bully pause at some point to reflect on his or her behavior.
This is a question that either a victim or a bystander can use to address a bully. This question subtly sends the message, “I know what you are doing. It’s easy to label. I’m calling you out on it. I won’t put up with it.”
This Hollywood story has a relatively happy ending. Perez Hilton has acknowledged his nasty behavior and vowed to improve, which he has done pretty effectively. Yes, he still likes to comment on juicy celebrity stories, but the tone of his blog has changed noticeably. It has been a long time since he has been truly insulting; he has managed to create a way to keep up the gossip without being quite so destructive. Bullies can change – all it takes is one good jolt to wake them up to what they are doing. Jennifer Aniston, by standing up for herself, gave all our kids one more tool to use to bring bullies down.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
No Laughing Matter
This post was originally written for the website Summit Series for Families.
Yesterday morning, I checked Facebook and noticed that one person I am friends with had made many, many posts on another friend’s page. I’m talking 50 or 60 posts. I cringed because I knew what this meant: I was eventually going to see a comment something akin to, “Thanks for raping my Facebook wall!” Sadly, I wasn’t disappointed; that comment did appear once the posts were discovered. This is not the first time I have seen, in particular, high school and college students throw around the word “rape” in such a casual way. I find it incredibly disturbing. Even more disturbing is that every time I see it on Facebook, it is almost always said by a female. When did this word become socially acceptable to use in such a flippant way? What is going to happen if it continues to be used to describe unfortunate but meaningless situations like having too many posts on your Facebook wall?
There is actually a new term for what happens when someone’s Facebook page is left open and “hacked” by someone else or the Facebook page is hit with hundreds of posts; it’s called “frape”, a combination of the words “Facebook” and “rape” (read an article about the effects of “frape” on boys here, and see the Urban Dictionary definitions offered here, but reader beware – at Urban Dictionary, you will encounter a deluge of obscene language, but realize this is “the site” kids use to pump up their slang).
Rape is no laughing matter. It’s nothing to be taken lightly. It’s not something to make a joke out of. It should never be treated insensitively. The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network has compiled some research findings and statistics that have frighteningly real implications for our children, including
• 44% of rape and sexual assault victims are under the age of 30.
• 29% of rape and sexual assault victims are between the ages of 12 – 17.
• Girls ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault.
• Victims of sexual assault are 13 times more likely to abuse alcohol and 26 times more likely to abuse drugs.
• About 2/3 of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows.
• 60% of rapes and sexual assaults are never reported to the police.
There is an immense amount of education that needs to be done in order to prevent our daughters from becoming victims of this heinous crime. One of those pieces of education needs to be teaching our daughters AND sons that there is nothing funny, silly, or casual about rape, and that using the word in a joking way diminishes the impact of the word and therefore the act itself and makes it sound socially acceptable. Which is not acceptable at all.
Yesterday morning, I checked Facebook and noticed that one person I am friends with had made many, many posts on another friend’s page. I’m talking 50 or 60 posts. I cringed because I knew what this meant: I was eventually going to see a comment something akin to, “Thanks for raping my Facebook wall!” Sadly, I wasn’t disappointed; that comment did appear once the posts were discovered. This is not the first time I have seen, in particular, high school and college students throw around the word “rape” in such a casual way. I find it incredibly disturbing. Even more disturbing is that every time I see it on Facebook, it is almost always said by a female. When did this word become socially acceptable to use in such a flippant way? What is going to happen if it continues to be used to describe unfortunate but meaningless situations like having too many posts on your Facebook wall?
There is actually a new term for what happens when someone’s Facebook page is left open and “hacked” by someone else or the Facebook page is hit with hundreds of posts; it’s called “frape”, a combination of the words “Facebook” and “rape” (read an article about the effects of “frape” on boys here, and see the Urban Dictionary definitions offered here, but reader beware – at Urban Dictionary, you will encounter a deluge of obscene language, but realize this is “the site” kids use to pump up their slang).
Rape is no laughing matter. It’s nothing to be taken lightly. It’s not something to make a joke out of. It should never be treated insensitively. The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network has compiled some research findings and statistics that have frighteningly real implications for our children, including
• 44% of rape and sexual assault victims are under the age of 30.
• 29% of rape and sexual assault victims are between the ages of 12 – 17.
• Girls ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault.
• Victims of sexual assault are 13 times more likely to abuse alcohol and 26 times more likely to abuse drugs.
• About 2/3 of rapes are committed by someone the victim knows.
• 60% of rapes and sexual assaults are never reported to the police.
There is an immense amount of education that needs to be done in order to prevent our daughters from becoming victims of this heinous crime. One of those pieces of education needs to be teaching our daughters AND sons that there is nothing funny, silly, or casual about rape, and that using the word in a joking way diminishes the impact of the word and therefore the act itself and makes it sound socially acceptable. Which is not acceptable at all.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Honors Classes: Yes or No?
This post was originally written for the website Summit Series for Families.
Every January, my 8th graders need some extra special TLC from me. This is because January is the month for applying to honors classes in high school. There is always a great deal of angst among the students and their parents about honors classes. The most common question I receive is whether or not a student should apply for honors classes. The answer to this question is not cut and dried. If you have a child who might be considering honors classes for high school, I offer the following things to consider.
First, think about why you want your child in an honors level class. As a teacher of gifted 7th and 8th graders, I see parents divided into two camps in response to this question, although few will admit to being in one of the camps. One group of parents wants their children to be challenged, and they appreciate the advanced curriculum I strive to offer. I try to teach my class on par with a high school class in terms of curriculum, activities, work load, and student responsibility. As a result of this, my class isn’t really an “easy A” class. Sometimes these highly intelligent kids with great work ethics don’t get all A’s in my class. The parents who appreciate the challenge are okay with this. The other camp includes parents who like the prestige of being able to say that their child is in an accelerated class. These parents often like being able to brag about their children earning all A’s, too; there is a great deal of prestige in a child being able to accomplish this. Sometimes, these parents get very upset with the curriculum because of the level of complexity. However, I feel it is imperative to offer a challenging curriculum to these advanced learners and sometimes they don’t earn an A right away. Most high school honors classes are going to be very challenging, so be honest with yourself and don’t strive for your child to enter an honors program if you want it only for the prestige factor.
Next, realize that it takes a lot of work to get into an honors program in high school. I fear that some of the parents I work with like having their child in a gifted class because they think it gives them an advantage when it comes time to apply for honors. In the high school that we feed to, it does not. If your child isn’t willing to put in work during the school year, or into the application process, or into the high school class itself, then honors might not be right. Be honest about your child’s work ethic and study habits. Both are going to be very important once he or she is enrolled in a class with high academic standards.
Now think about college and how high school honors classes will impact your child’s college experience. It is commonly believed that colleges will take on students who have been in honors classes over those who have not. This is not always true; it varies from school to school. However, all colleges do like to see that students are taking challenging coursework, so having honors level classes on a transcript can reflect well. As far as how those accelerated classes will impact what college coursework will be taken, that also depends on the individual school. As an honors student in high school, I took four years of math, which I enjoyed but was not my forte. When I got to college, I was essentially “forced” into taking trigonometry instead of college algebra because of all the math I had in high school. In my eyes, my honors math classes worked to my disadvantage. I scratched and clawed my way through trig but see no benefit to it now that I am an English teacher. Discussing with an admissions counselor the kinds of coursework that will need to be taken in college after honors coursework in high school is a good idea.
Finally, please take into consideration what your child wants. Too often I talk with students who want to take some honors classes but not others, but their parents are “forcing” them to apply for all the classes. My biggest fear when I see this happening is that whatever subject the student is being coerced into taking at an honors level in high school will become that student’s most hated subject and/or the subject he/she does the most poorly in, which then sabotages the student’s academic record. Yes, sometimes saying, “Try it; you’ll like it!” yields positive results. But it’s a gamble; it may end up being an albatross around the student’s neck.
Here is a good Q and A about the advantages and disadvantages of enrolling your child in honors level classes. In addition, you can peruse a Yahoo! Answers discussion about the benefits and challenges of honors classes. Also, the website CollegeData (sponsored by 1st Financial Bank) offers up some reasons to take honors classes as well as some things to consider here.
Every January, my 8th graders need some extra special TLC from me. This is because January is the month for applying to honors classes in high school. There is always a great deal of angst among the students and their parents about honors classes. The most common question I receive is whether or not a student should apply for honors classes. The answer to this question is not cut and dried. If you have a child who might be considering honors classes for high school, I offer the following things to consider.
First, think about why you want your child in an honors level class. As a teacher of gifted 7th and 8th graders, I see parents divided into two camps in response to this question, although few will admit to being in one of the camps. One group of parents wants their children to be challenged, and they appreciate the advanced curriculum I strive to offer. I try to teach my class on par with a high school class in terms of curriculum, activities, work load, and student responsibility. As a result of this, my class isn’t really an “easy A” class. Sometimes these highly intelligent kids with great work ethics don’t get all A’s in my class. The parents who appreciate the challenge are okay with this. The other camp includes parents who like the prestige of being able to say that their child is in an accelerated class. These parents often like being able to brag about their children earning all A’s, too; there is a great deal of prestige in a child being able to accomplish this. Sometimes, these parents get very upset with the curriculum because of the level of complexity. However, I feel it is imperative to offer a challenging curriculum to these advanced learners and sometimes they don’t earn an A right away. Most high school honors classes are going to be very challenging, so be honest with yourself and don’t strive for your child to enter an honors program if you want it only for the prestige factor.
Next, realize that it takes a lot of work to get into an honors program in high school. I fear that some of the parents I work with like having their child in a gifted class because they think it gives them an advantage when it comes time to apply for honors. In the high school that we feed to, it does not. If your child isn’t willing to put in work during the school year, or into the application process, or into the high school class itself, then honors might not be right. Be honest about your child’s work ethic and study habits. Both are going to be very important once he or she is enrolled in a class with high academic standards.
Now think about college and how high school honors classes will impact your child’s college experience. It is commonly believed that colleges will take on students who have been in honors classes over those who have not. This is not always true; it varies from school to school. However, all colleges do like to see that students are taking challenging coursework, so having honors level classes on a transcript can reflect well. As far as how those accelerated classes will impact what college coursework will be taken, that also depends on the individual school. As an honors student in high school, I took four years of math, which I enjoyed but was not my forte. When I got to college, I was essentially “forced” into taking trigonometry instead of college algebra because of all the math I had in high school. In my eyes, my honors math classes worked to my disadvantage. I scratched and clawed my way through trig but see no benefit to it now that I am an English teacher. Discussing with an admissions counselor the kinds of coursework that will need to be taken in college after honors coursework in high school is a good idea.
Finally, please take into consideration what your child wants. Too often I talk with students who want to take some honors classes but not others, but their parents are “forcing” them to apply for all the classes. My biggest fear when I see this happening is that whatever subject the student is being coerced into taking at an honors level in high school will become that student’s most hated subject and/or the subject he/she does the most poorly in, which then sabotages the student’s academic record. Yes, sometimes saying, “Try it; you’ll like it!” yields positive results. But it’s a gamble; it may end up being an albatross around the student’s neck.
Here is a good Q and A about the advantages and disadvantages of enrolling your child in honors level classes. In addition, you can peruse a Yahoo! Answers discussion about the benefits and challenges of honors classes. Also, the website CollegeData (sponsored by 1st Financial Bank) offers up some reasons to take honors classes as well as some things to consider here.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Education Reform -- Non-Research/Statistics Based; Just My Opinion
I have been trying to keep abreast of all the education reform debates since last fall when I had the chance to attend a taping of The Oprah Winfrey Show related to the film Waiting for Superman. What piqued Oprah’s people's interest was my comment that went something like this: I'm tired of teachers who do nothing except sit on their tenured butts and collect a paycheck. And I stand by that statement today. What self-respecting, truly good educator wouldn't? But I do sometimes feel like a pariah for saying that. Some would see that statement as unsupportive of my colleagues, that I don't stand in solidarity with my fellow teachers. All I can say is that I do indeed support whole-heartedly all the teachers out there who work as hard as I do, but I will not feign support for the lazy teachers out there, the ones who clearly can't stand their job or the kids they work with every day; the ones who complain all the time; the ones who teach the same things the same way year after year; the ones who have kids do everything open book because there are so many fewer bad grades that way, resulting in fewer parent complaints; the ones who never volunteer to do anything extra, whether it earns a stipend or not; the ones who put on a dog-and-pony show the day they are observed by the principal. Those teachers do harm, in my opinion, and I will not defend them simply because they work in a classroom every day. And I am finding that makes me pretty unpopular. Well, that and my other views on education. Maybe I'm wrong; maybe I'm misguided. There is a lot of great stuff going on in education in this country, but there's plenty of lousy stuff, too. I have my own ideas about what needs to be done to make education in this country meaningful but I fear it will never happen because it requires too much cooperation and collaboration from too many people who don't look like they will ever see eye to eye. Regardless, here's what I have to say if you care to read it.
Who is involved in meaningful education reform? I believe it is teachers, teachers' unions, school administrators, students, and parents. Each group has a mission, if they choose to accept it.
Teachers need to work. Really work. That is inherent in the job of teaching if it is done correctly. This means logging more hours than there are in the contracted day -- grading papers, developing lessons and assessments, communicating with parents, documenting the learning that takes place in our classrooms, and millions of other little tasks that are associated with teaching. My husband once said that good teaching is like porn -- you know it when you see it. While that statement might be a bit crass, there is an element of truth to it. Face it, fellow teachers; we all know who the good teachers are in our school and who the bad teachers are, too. We can explain why the good teachers are good and why the bad teachers are bad, and most of the time, the good teachers are the ones doing all the tasks that take up that extra time and the bad ones aren't. Good teachers aren't lazy. They will do what is right for kids even if they don't get paid for it. I know I will open a can of worms with that comment, and please don't think I am saying that teachers don't deserve to be paid well -- we do (the good ones). But the good ones have never been in this business for the money, so they end up going the extra mile because ultimately, it furthers our mission -- education!
Teachers' unions need to recognize that not all teachers are created equal. They need to make it reasonable for a school district to get rid of a bad teacher. How a bad teacher is defined is a whole other blog post, but if it can be shown that a teacher isn't doing his or her job, isn't improving on his or her own or through mentoring or mediation, then the teacher needs to go. Yes, this does happen sometimes, but sadly, there are a lot of collective bargaining agreements out there that are ridiculously cumbersome. It should be a reasonable process to dismiss an ineffective educator, not one that has plenty of loopholes in it. I have heard some people say, "Well, administrators shouldn't agree to those contracts -- it takes two sides to negotiate a contract." True. But I would say that the unions shouldn't try to push through a contract that has enough cracks in it that lousy teachers are protected. Contracts that are written to cover the rear ends of the bad teachers are demoralizing to the good teachers and diminish the professionalization of this career. I am always heartened to read about unions who are working to revamp contracts that are going to be of benefit to the good teachers, help the poor teachers who want the help, and remove the poor teachers who just don't care. The teachers' unions need to keep moving in this direction.
School administrators need to be brave. Bravery is what it takes to tell a tenured teacher he or she isn't doing the job right. I think too many principals are unwilling to fight that fight because it will surely stir up a hornets' nest in more ways than one. It might bring down the wrath of the union. It might bring down the wrath of teachers in the building or district. Regardless, it's gonna get ugly! I say, do it anyway! Lousy teachers and the unions like fearful school administrators. They like principals and superintendents who would rather look the other way or only see what they want to see. Praised be the administrator who isn't afraid to call a spade a spade. They know it will be an uphill battle and they will probably be pretty unpopular (think Michelle Rhee) but they ultimately are willing to do what is best for the kids in that classroom. Having ineffective, unmotivated, lazy teachers in a classroom isn’t good for kids. One thing I say often is that nothing will make a kid hate school more than a teacher who hates school. Please, principals and superintendents, help kids love schools by being brave and calling out the teachers who are causing harm!
Students need to realize the value of education. Too many kids in this country take their education for granted. They often whine about being in school. Some of that whining probably comes from being stuck in a classroom with a boring, unmotivated teacher, but a lot of it comes from not appreciating education. I seem to recall Oprah Winfrey getting flak about opening her girls’ school in Africa as opposed to this country and her response being something akin to what I just said – those girls in Africa will be grateful for their education; most kids in America will not. Part of my philosophy of teaching is to make learning meaningful for my students right now, not just in the future. I teach junior high kids, and they are so entrenched in the present that careers, college, and even high school seem so far away that telling them, “You’ll need to know this for when you get a job. You’ll have to do this when you’re in college. This is going to help you when you get to high school,” is beyond their scope. I believe that by helping them see how what they are learning now is useful now will help them appreciate their education. Once they see an immediate use for it, they will be open to wanting the same for the future as well. Students also need to take responsibility for their own learning. On the first day of school, I tell my students that they have a legal right to an education and that if I am not providing it, they should demand it from me. Kids should not be content to have busy work, extra study halls, and lots of free time in class. They should demand what is rightfully theirs. Conversely, they should reciprocate for the teachers who DO provide them with a good education by paying attention in class, doing their work, being respectful, and looking for the worth in everything they are learning.
Parents need to value education as well. Not just pay lip service to education – truly value it. So many parents talk about how important their child’s education is but in the same breath gripe about the teachers and the school. Too many times parents are upset when their children bring home anything less than an A or complain when schoolwork infringes upon the baseball game scheduled for that evening. I would like to see parents who want their children engaged in learning during the day, parents who want their children challenged. Too often parents are content with their children receiving busywork because the report card grade ends up being good. Being challenged, being pushed intellectually doesn’t always result in an immediate A. Sometimes it’s a B or a C. Or lower. But what is important is that the child continues to push and be challenged because learning is going to happen and then those grades will come up. Too much importance is put on grades by parents. Look instead at the curriculum and the lessons that are being taught. Would you prefer your 8th grader to get an A on 6th grade work or a B on 9th grade work? Another thing, parents need to realize that school comes before extra-curriculars. Yes, outside activities are important – they are what help our children become well-rounded citizens and learn things like teamwork, sportsmanship, and taking criticism gracefully. But academics must take precedence. Realize that if your child has work to do for school while at home, it is not some conspiracy on the school’s part to make your child miserable or infringe upon your family time. It is going to help advance your child’s learning, so make it a priority in the home.
All these individuals need to make changes if we want meaningful education reform to happen. It needs to happen swiftly and as simultaneously as possible. Squabbling over who is right and who is wrong isn’t doing a single thing to help the kids in our schools right now. All these people stepping up isn’t going to solve every problem, either. There is still lots of work to be done. But if teachers do their jobs well AND if teachers’ unions set standards of excellence for their membership AND administrators are willing to fight to keep the good as well as remove the bad AND students take their education seriously AND parents get involved and support their kids and the schools, changes WILL occur and they will be positive.
Who is involved in meaningful education reform? I believe it is teachers, teachers' unions, school administrators, students, and parents. Each group has a mission, if they choose to accept it.
Teachers need to work. Really work. That is inherent in the job of teaching if it is done correctly. This means logging more hours than there are in the contracted day -- grading papers, developing lessons and assessments, communicating with parents, documenting the learning that takes place in our classrooms, and millions of other little tasks that are associated with teaching. My husband once said that good teaching is like porn -- you know it when you see it. While that statement might be a bit crass, there is an element of truth to it. Face it, fellow teachers; we all know who the good teachers are in our school and who the bad teachers are, too. We can explain why the good teachers are good and why the bad teachers are bad, and most of the time, the good teachers are the ones doing all the tasks that take up that extra time and the bad ones aren't. Good teachers aren't lazy. They will do what is right for kids even if they don't get paid for it. I know I will open a can of worms with that comment, and please don't think I am saying that teachers don't deserve to be paid well -- we do (the good ones). But the good ones have never been in this business for the money, so they end up going the extra mile because ultimately, it furthers our mission -- education!
Teachers' unions need to recognize that not all teachers are created equal. They need to make it reasonable for a school district to get rid of a bad teacher. How a bad teacher is defined is a whole other blog post, but if it can be shown that a teacher isn't doing his or her job, isn't improving on his or her own or through mentoring or mediation, then the teacher needs to go. Yes, this does happen sometimes, but sadly, there are a lot of collective bargaining agreements out there that are ridiculously cumbersome. It should be a reasonable process to dismiss an ineffective educator, not one that has plenty of loopholes in it. I have heard some people say, "Well, administrators shouldn't agree to those contracts -- it takes two sides to negotiate a contract." True. But I would say that the unions shouldn't try to push through a contract that has enough cracks in it that lousy teachers are protected. Contracts that are written to cover the rear ends of the bad teachers are demoralizing to the good teachers and diminish the professionalization of this career. I am always heartened to read about unions who are working to revamp contracts that are going to be of benefit to the good teachers, help the poor teachers who want the help, and remove the poor teachers who just don't care. The teachers' unions need to keep moving in this direction.
School administrators need to be brave. Bravery is what it takes to tell a tenured teacher he or she isn't doing the job right. I think too many principals are unwilling to fight that fight because it will surely stir up a hornets' nest in more ways than one. It might bring down the wrath of the union. It might bring down the wrath of teachers in the building or district. Regardless, it's gonna get ugly! I say, do it anyway! Lousy teachers and the unions like fearful school administrators. They like principals and superintendents who would rather look the other way or only see what they want to see. Praised be the administrator who isn't afraid to call a spade a spade. They know it will be an uphill battle and they will probably be pretty unpopular (think Michelle Rhee) but they ultimately are willing to do what is best for the kids in that classroom. Having ineffective, unmotivated, lazy teachers in a classroom isn’t good for kids. One thing I say often is that nothing will make a kid hate school more than a teacher who hates school. Please, principals and superintendents, help kids love schools by being brave and calling out the teachers who are causing harm!
Students need to realize the value of education. Too many kids in this country take their education for granted. They often whine about being in school. Some of that whining probably comes from being stuck in a classroom with a boring, unmotivated teacher, but a lot of it comes from not appreciating education. I seem to recall Oprah Winfrey getting flak about opening her girls’ school in Africa as opposed to this country and her response being something akin to what I just said – those girls in Africa will be grateful for their education; most kids in America will not. Part of my philosophy of teaching is to make learning meaningful for my students right now, not just in the future. I teach junior high kids, and they are so entrenched in the present that careers, college, and even high school seem so far away that telling them, “You’ll need to know this for when you get a job. You’ll have to do this when you’re in college. This is going to help you when you get to high school,” is beyond their scope. I believe that by helping them see how what they are learning now is useful now will help them appreciate their education. Once they see an immediate use for it, they will be open to wanting the same for the future as well. Students also need to take responsibility for their own learning. On the first day of school, I tell my students that they have a legal right to an education and that if I am not providing it, they should demand it from me. Kids should not be content to have busy work, extra study halls, and lots of free time in class. They should demand what is rightfully theirs. Conversely, they should reciprocate for the teachers who DO provide them with a good education by paying attention in class, doing their work, being respectful, and looking for the worth in everything they are learning.
Parents need to value education as well. Not just pay lip service to education – truly value it. So many parents talk about how important their child’s education is but in the same breath gripe about the teachers and the school. Too many times parents are upset when their children bring home anything less than an A or complain when schoolwork infringes upon the baseball game scheduled for that evening. I would like to see parents who want their children engaged in learning during the day, parents who want their children challenged. Too often parents are content with their children receiving busywork because the report card grade ends up being good. Being challenged, being pushed intellectually doesn’t always result in an immediate A. Sometimes it’s a B or a C. Or lower. But what is important is that the child continues to push and be challenged because learning is going to happen and then those grades will come up. Too much importance is put on grades by parents. Look instead at the curriculum and the lessons that are being taught. Would you prefer your 8th grader to get an A on 6th grade work or a B on 9th grade work? Another thing, parents need to realize that school comes before extra-curriculars. Yes, outside activities are important – they are what help our children become well-rounded citizens and learn things like teamwork, sportsmanship, and taking criticism gracefully. But academics must take precedence. Realize that if your child has work to do for school while at home, it is not some conspiracy on the school’s part to make your child miserable or infringe upon your family time. It is going to help advance your child’s learning, so make it a priority in the home.
All these individuals need to make changes if we want meaningful education reform to happen. It needs to happen swiftly and as simultaneously as possible. Squabbling over who is right and who is wrong isn’t doing a single thing to help the kids in our schools right now. All these people stepping up isn’t going to solve every problem, either. There is still lots of work to be done. But if teachers do their jobs well AND if teachers’ unions set standards of excellence for their membership AND administrators are willing to fight to keep the good as well as remove the bad AND students take their education seriously AND parents get involved and support their kids and the schools, changes WILL occur and they will be positive.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Surviving Your Daughter’s Break Up
This post was originally written for the website Summit Series for Families.
Any parent with a teenaged daughter dreads the thought of her dating boys. What is even more difficult to deal with than some boy dating your daughter, though, is some boy dumping her. As parents, our first instinct when our child is hurt is to be hyper-defensive and hunt down the no-good louse who caused our baby such pain. Eventually, we become rational again and we are left to figure out how to help our child deal with the aftermath. Here are some things you can do to help your daughter cope with a break-up; these are things I’ve learned through my own experience with a teenaged daughter, and often things I’ve learned the hard way!
Provide space. Sometimes, we can see the break up coming down the pike. It is important to step away from the situation and let your daughter handle it on her own as much as possible. Fight the urge to subtly encourage the break up (if you don’t particularly like the boy) or to help salvage it (if you happen to like the boy). Interfering in either instance can backfire – try to hasten the break up and your daughter may stick with him out of stubbornness; try to stop the break up and she may stay with the boy no matter how unhappy she feels in the relationship.
Be a sympathetic listener. This is the perfect situation to practice our active listening skills. Try to hear exactly what your daughter is saying about the boy by reading between the lines. Is she wanting to initiate the break up? Is she secretly relieved that the relationship is ending? Is she still head over heels and not prepared for the break up? Regardless of the scenario, it is going to be emotionally wrenching. Be as supportive as you can of your daughter’s feelings but be careful not to belittle them, which brings me to my next tip.
Be prepared for irrationality. No matter how much space you provide or how sympathetic a listener you are, chances are your daughter will tell you that you just don’t understand or care. If you provide space, it means you don’t care. If you try to get involved, you should just stay out of it because you don’t understand. This irrationality is just a manifestation of your daughter’s pain and really has nothing to do with you. Try not to get angry when you’re told you don’t understand; your daughter really doesn’t want to hear about the horrible break ups you endured because, in her mind, there’s simply no way they were anything like the one she’s going through. She’s really not trying to be rude or disrespectful, so ride out the irrationality – it will go away soon enough!
Guide her through proper break up behavior. Remember, the relationships our teens go through are supposed to help them grow along the way to adulthood and hopefully help them form mature relationships as adults. They are bound to make mistakes in the relationships they have as teens. In the most non-preachy way possible, remind your daughter to stand up for herself and not measure her self-worth by the fact that she has a boyfriend. Remind her to be assertive, but not mean or hurtful, or even worse, clingy and needy. Remind her to be selective about whom she talks to about the break up and how she talks about it. Teens today use social networking for so much of their communication; be firm that your daughter not be over-dramatic or detailed about the break up on Facebook. Also suggest she not get into too many gory details with her girlfriends, whom she will very likely turn to for sympathy and understanding. This is normal and appropriate, but girls tend to like to rally around their friends. If your daughter can keep the details to a minimum, her friends will be less likely to feel the need to get involved by saying something directly or indirectly to the ex-boyfriend.
Make time for your daughter. After the break up, there is bound to be a temporary hole in your daughter’s social life. Try to help fill it by spending time together. I have found that doing out-of-the-ordinary things helps a lot. Yes, lunch and a shopping trip is fun, but we do those things on a relatively regular basis. Instead, offer to do something like go for a bike ride, take a trip to the zoo, or go on a picnic. Eventually, that hole in her social life will shrink and be filled with friends or even another boyfriend, so take advantage of the time you have together to show your daughter she is definitely worthy of love.
To read what some experts have to say about helping teens through a break up, check out these resources:
What Parents Can Do When Their Teen Has a Break Up
Breaking Up is Hard to Do: Help Your Teen Get Over a Break Up
Getting Over a Break Up
Any parent with a teenaged daughter dreads the thought of her dating boys. What is even more difficult to deal with than some boy dating your daughter, though, is some boy dumping her. As parents, our first instinct when our child is hurt is to be hyper-defensive and hunt down the no-good louse who caused our baby such pain. Eventually, we become rational again and we are left to figure out how to help our child deal with the aftermath. Here are some things you can do to help your daughter cope with a break-up; these are things I’ve learned through my own experience with a teenaged daughter, and often things I’ve learned the hard way!
Provide space. Sometimes, we can see the break up coming down the pike. It is important to step away from the situation and let your daughter handle it on her own as much as possible. Fight the urge to subtly encourage the break up (if you don’t particularly like the boy) or to help salvage it (if you happen to like the boy). Interfering in either instance can backfire – try to hasten the break up and your daughter may stick with him out of stubbornness; try to stop the break up and she may stay with the boy no matter how unhappy she feels in the relationship.
Be a sympathetic listener. This is the perfect situation to practice our active listening skills. Try to hear exactly what your daughter is saying about the boy by reading between the lines. Is she wanting to initiate the break up? Is she secretly relieved that the relationship is ending? Is she still head over heels and not prepared for the break up? Regardless of the scenario, it is going to be emotionally wrenching. Be as supportive as you can of your daughter’s feelings but be careful not to belittle them, which brings me to my next tip.
Be prepared for irrationality. No matter how much space you provide or how sympathetic a listener you are, chances are your daughter will tell you that you just don’t understand or care. If you provide space, it means you don’t care. If you try to get involved, you should just stay out of it because you don’t understand. This irrationality is just a manifestation of your daughter’s pain and really has nothing to do with you. Try not to get angry when you’re told you don’t understand; your daughter really doesn’t want to hear about the horrible break ups you endured because, in her mind, there’s simply no way they were anything like the one she’s going through. She’s really not trying to be rude or disrespectful, so ride out the irrationality – it will go away soon enough!
Guide her through proper break up behavior. Remember, the relationships our teens go through are supposed to help them grow along the way to adulthood and hopefully help them form mature relationships as adults. They are bound to make mistakes in the relationships they have as teens. In the most non-preachy way possible, remind your daughter to stand up for herself and not measure her self-worth by the fact that she has a boyfriend. Remind her to be assertive, but not mean or hurtful, or even worse, clingy and needy. Remind her to be selective about whom she talks to about the break up and how she talks about it. Teens today use social networking for so much of their communication; be firm that your daughter not be over-dramatic or detailed about the break up on Facebook. Also suggest she not get into too many gory details with her girlfriends, whom she will very likely turn to for sympathy and understanding. This is normal and appropriate, but girls tend to like to rally around their friends. If your daughter can keep the details to a minimum, her friends will be less likely to feel the need to get involved by saying something directly or indirectly to the ex-boyfriend.
Make time for your daughter. After the break up, there is bound to be a temporary hole in your daughter’s social life. Try to help fill it by spending time together. I have found that doing out-of-the-ordinary things helps a lot. Yes, lunch and a shopping trip is fun, but we do those things on a relatively regular basis. Instead, offer to do something like go for a bike ride, take a trip to the zoo, or go on a picnic. Eventually, that hole in her social life will shrink and be filled with friends or even another boyfriend, so take advantage of the time you have together to show your daughter she is definitely worthy of love.
To read what some experts have to say about helping teens through a break up, check out these resources:
What Parents Can Do When Their Teen Has a Break Up
Breaking Up is Hard to Do: Help Your Teen Get Over a Break Up
Getting Over a Break Up
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Play It Safe: Parents’ Role in Technology
This post was originally written for Summit Series for Families.
Recently, The Huffungton Post published articles (one here and another here) where Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg talks about his position regarding children as young as thirteen using Facebook: he says yes. One article indicates that according to research done by Consumer Reports, there are already 7.5 million Facebook users under the age of thirteen. This could be debated ad nauseum, whether children so young should have a Facebook account, but the debate won’t hide the reality – young children are online using Facebook as well as gaming sites, video sites, and other social networking sites right along with adults and often without their parents knowing. So pushing aside the debate, instead, focus on what we as parents can do if our kids are going to use the Internet – and they are. Our children are digital natives. Here are some suggestions I give to parents when I do Internet safety presentations in my school district.
Online Gaming If your kids are playing any games online, consider sitting down next to them to see what the games are about. Learn about the parental controls each game site has and employ them as needed. If your child wants to play games online, often creating an account is required, so help your child do this to make sure he isn’t giving out too much personal information.
Game Systems If your child plays games on systems like Xbox and Xbox 360, the live feature allows interactive game play, chatting, and photo sharing. These systems also have parental controls available, and often these controls are in place even when your child logs in at a friend’s house.
YouTube Kids love to watch videos online, and YouTube is about the easiest site to find videos on. YouTube can be run in Safety Mode, which will help filter out videos with inappropriate content. (Read more about safety features on YouTube here.)
Cell Phones Enable parental controls on cell phones. To find out what’s available and what charges might be for those services, it will be necessary to contact the cellular service provider. It is also important to periodically check the outgoing and incoming calls to the phone as well as peruse the texts on the phone. Some may say this is a violation of privacy, but in this age of cyberbullying, I think it is imperative for parents to check up on how the technology they are paying for is being used. It is also advisable to set a time for cell phone use to end for the day and have the phone plugged in for the night somewhere other than the child’s bedroom. At my house, my high school daughter plugs her phone into the outlet in my bedroom at 10:30 every night. She gets it back no earlier than 6:00 A.M.
Social Networking If your child wants an account on Facebook or some other social network and you approve, the responsibility has just begun. Parents should also create an account with the same social network and “friend” their kids. My rule for my daughter was she had to be friends with me and her father or she would lose the Facebook account. Periodically go through your child’s friends list and ask who the people are. If a “friend” isn’t someone your child can say he or she knows personally and has actually had face-to-face contact with, the person should be taken off the friends list. Look at your child’s posts and if there are any that aren’t okay with you, ask for them to be taken down. If they don’t get taken down in time, then take them down yourself. This brings me to my next tip: have the username and password for your child’s account. I log in to my daughter’s account periodically to make sure she hasn’t been sneaky and changed it on me (she hasn’t, fortunately). One caveat: if I have to log in and take down something, I also take a moment to change the password so she can’t log on without my permission. Again, I don’t view this as a violation of privacy; I see it as a way to prevent problems that arise from online drama.
In general, parents need to educate themselves about the technology their kids are using and then get involved. One colleague of mine has a daughter who has been begging for a Facebook account. My friend is going to relent but she is also getting one for herself, which she dreads. She says she doesn’t want to do things on Facebook. I told her she doesn’t have to – all she needs to do is check in on what her daughter is doing; she doesn’t have to do anything else if she doesn’t want to. But she, like the rest of us parents, has to be involved. Our kids are only going to get more involved with technology as they get older so let’s make sure they get a good foundation!
Recently, The Huffungton Post published articles (one here and another here) where Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg talks about his position regarding children as young as thirteen using Facebook: he says yes. One article indicates that according to research done by Consumer Reports, there are already 7.5 million Facebook users under the age of thirteen. This could be debated ad nauseum, whether children so young should have a Facebook account, but the debate won’t hide the reality – young children are online using Facebook as well as gaming sites, video sites, and other social networking sites right along with adults and often without their parents knowing. So pushing aside the debate, instead, focus on what we as parents can do if our kids are going to use the Internet – and they are. Our children are digital natives. Here are some suggestions I give to parents when I do Internet safety presentations in my school district.
Online Gaming If your kids are playing any games online, consider sitting down next to them to see what the games are about. Learn about the parental controls each game site has and employ them as needed. If your child wants to play games online, often creating an account is required, so help your child do this to make sure he isn’t giving out too much personal information.
Game Systems If your child plays games on systems like Xbox and Xbox 360, the live feature allows interactive game play, chatting, and photo sharing. These systems also have parental controls available, and often these controls are in place even when your child logs in at a friend’s house.
YouTube Kids love to watch videos online, and YouTube is about the easiest site to find videos on. YouTube can be run in Safety Mode, which will help filter out videos with inappropriate content. (Read more about safety features on YouTube here.)
Cell Phones Enable parental controls on cell phones. To find out what’s available and what charges might be for those services, it will be necessary to contact the cellular service provider. It is also important to periodically check the outgoing and incoming calls to the phone as well as peruse the texts on the phone. Some may say this is a violation of privacy, but in this age of cyberbullying, I think it is imperative for parents to check up on how the technology they are paying for is being used. It is also advisable to set a time for cell phone use to end for the day and have the phone plugged in for the night somewhere other than the child’s bedroom. At my house, my high school daughter plugs her phone into the outlet in my bedroom at 10:30 every night. She gets it back no earlier than 6:00 A.M.
Social Networking If your child wants an account on Facebook or some other social network and you approve, the responsibility has just begun. Parents should also create an account with the same social network and “friend” their kids. My rule for my daughter was she had to be friends with me and her father or she would lose the Facebook account. Periodically go through your child’s friends list and ask who the people are. If a “friend” isn’t someone your child can say he or she knows personally and has actually had face-to-face contact with, the person should be taken off the friends list. Look at your child’s posts and if there are any that aren’t okay with you, ask for them to be taken down. If they don’t get taken down in time, then take them down yourself. This brings me to my next tip: have the username and password for your child’s account. I log in to my daughter’s account periodically to make sure she hasn’t been sneaky and changed it on me (she hasn’t, fortunately). One caveat: if I have to log in and take down something, I also take a moment to change the password so she can’t log on without my permission. Again, I don’t view this as a violation of privacy; I see it as a way to prevent problems that arise from online drama.
In general, parents need to educate themselves about the technology their kids are using and then get involved. One colleague of mine has a daughter who has been begging for a Facebook account. My friend is going to relent but she is also getting one for herself, which she dreads. She says she doesn’t want to do things on Facebook. I told her she doesn’t have to – all she needs to do is check in on what her daughter is doing; she doesn’t have to do anything else if she doesn’t want to. But she, like the rest of us parents, has to be involved. Our kids are only going to get more involved with technology as they get older so let’s make sure they get a good foundation!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Protecting Our Daughters
This post was originally written for the website Summit Series for Families.
It’s a constant battle at my house: my seventeen year old daughter thinks she’s fat. She wears a single-digit clothing size and her height and weight put her in a normal BMI range. But somehow those things bring her no comfort; she stills sees herself as fat. Just like all girls, my daughter is bombarded everywhere and all the time with images and messages of what she should and should not be like to be considered thin and attractive. Personally, I don’t think any of these subliminal messages are really meant to be sinister in nature. What is scary, though, is that there ARE a number of websites on the Internet that really are sinister in nature, and therefore dangerous for all girls.
The website DoSomething.org compiled self-esteem research findings from a number of sources, including these facts:
• A girl’s self-esteem is tied more to how she views herself than how she actually looks.
• Three fourths of girls with low self-esteem report engaging in negative activities.
• More than one third of girls with low self-esteem also believe they are not good daughters.
Understanding these sad statistics makes it all the more vital to be aware of what lurks on the Internet to continue chipping away at girls’ self-esteem and perception. Psychologist, author, and mom Michele Borba recently highlighted some websites that are nothing short of dangerous to girls.
One site mentioned is the Miss Bimbo Game. It’s not really necessary to explain any further – all it takes is a look at the title to figure this one out. In order to be a successful bimbo, the player needs to keep at a target weight, is encouraged to buy diet pills to do this, and keep up an attractive appearance by doing things such as purchasing breast implants. Some might say this game is just that: a game. But any parent of a daughter knows this game is played out in reality in homes across America every day.
Formspring is another site Dr. Borba mentions, which is also a site I mentioned to parents of incoming 7th graders last fall at our open house. Formspring encourages kids to ask questions and give comments about each other anonymously. The danger is in the anonymity because members use this as an easy way to attack and demean others, all without the worry of being caught saying something horrible. My daughter had a Formspring account for a while and she shed tears over what she read more than once. I kept telling her to just dump the account, which she finally did. She now realizes it is nothing more than a tool for easy cyberbullying.
Finally, Dr. Borba mentions some sites that encourage and promote eating disorders. Keep your eyes and ears open for the “names” Ana and Mia – these are clippings for the terms anorexia and bulimia. Sites that put eating disorders in a positive light bombard girls with messages about the importance of being thin and ways to avoid eating without arousing suspicion from parents.
Protecting our daughters from the dangers that lurk online involves two key things: open lines of communication and being involved with what our kids do online. If parents talk with their daughters about self-esteem issues with love and without judgment, and if we spend time learning about their online behavior, we will make strides in keeping our girls safe and raising them to be beautiful, confident young women.
It’s a constant battle at my house: my seventeen year old daughter thinks she’s fat. She wears a single-digit clothing size and her height and weight put her in a normal BMI range. But somehow those things bring her no comfort; she stills sees herself as fat. Just like all girls, my daughter is bombarded everywhere and all the time with images and messages of what she should and should not be like to be considered thin and attractive. Personally, I don’t think any of these subliminal messages are really meant to be sinister in nature. What is scary, though, is that there ARE a number of websites on the Internet that really are sinister in nature, and therefore dangerous for all girls.
The website DoSomething.org compiled self-esteem research findings from a number of sources, including these facts:
• A girl’s self-esteem is tied more to how she views herself than how she actually looks.
• Three fourths of girls with low self-esteem report engaging in negative activities.
• More than one third of girls with low self-esteem also believe they are not good daughters.
Understanding these sad statistics makes it all the more vital to be aware of what lurks on the Internet to continue chipping away at girls’ self-esteem and perception. Psychologist, author, and mom Michele Borba recently highlighted some websites that are nothing short of dangerous to girls.
One site mentioned is the Miss Bimbo Game. It’s not really necessary to explain any further – all it takes is a look at the title to figure this one out. In order to be a successful bimbo, the player needs to keep at a target weight, is encouraged to buy diet pills to do this, and keep up an attractive appearance by doing things such as purchasing breast implants. Some might say this game is just that: a game. But any parent of a daughter knows this game is played out in reality in homes across America every day.
Formspring is another site Dr. Borba mentions, which is also a site I mentioned to parents of incoming 7th graders last fall at our open house. Formspring encourages kids to ask questions and give comments about each other anonymously. The danger is in the anonymity because members use this as an easy way to attack and demean others, all without the worry of being caught saying something horrible. My daughter had a Formspring account for a while and she shed tears over what she read more than once. I kept telling her to just dump the account, which she finally did. She now realizes it is nothing more than a tool for easy cyberbullying.
Finally, Dr. Borba mentions some sites that encourage and promote eating disorders. Keep your eyes and ears open for the “names” Ana and Mia – these are clippings for the terms anorexia and bulimia. Sites that put eating disorders in a positive light bombard girls with messages about the importance of being thin and ways to avoid eating without arousing suspicion from parents.
Protecting our daughters from the dangers that lurk online involves two key things: open lines of communication and being involved with what our kids do online. If parents talk with their daughters about self-esteem issues with love and without judgment, and if we spend time learning about their online behavior, we will make strides in keeping our girls safe and raising them to be beautiful, confident young women.
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